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Cutting Grass

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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TrevorConway
Posts: 210
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
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Cutting Grass

Post by TrevorConway » Mon May 09, 2022 1:21 pm

He guides the monstrous insect down the middle
to cleave the task in two,
knowing its busy rumble will signal
to neighbours and sheep he’s at it again.
He knows, too, when grass
has been given too much rein.
 
Why change his process?
He lives by order and pattern,
forging toward the same corners,
overlapping lines, hoping
not to encounter a faint mohawk
as he whittles a sizeable patch to extinction.
 
The timid dips, a neighbourhood of moss –
he knows/negotiates them all,
jabs doggedly at the flowerbed’s edge,
tilts to the threat of a driveway kerb
until the rumble stutters, stops,
as if with a crumb stuck in its throat.
 
From the full-bellied bag,
in moist porridge of cuttings tumbles,
fruited pink with the cherry blossom
of flowers fallen, cut and stirred.
Three more pulls of the cord,
and he knows he’s caught it right.
 
This light machine has new life
– or he does, determined to end
on this last load before it sags.
When the job is done, silence,
a smell as if the earth itself
is grateful.

TrevorConway
Posts: 210
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
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Re: Cutting Grass

Post by TrevorConway » Sat May 14, 2022 12:32 am

Is this poem just a bit too prosaic/boring overall?

Any opinions, even brief, would be much-appreciated.

Thanks,

Trev

indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: Cutting Grass

Post by indar » Sat May 14, 2022 9:23 am

Hi Trevor,

As a rule, I appreciate the ability to change a simple act such as cutting grass into a poem. 

Look at the first 2 stanzas: they contain: he guides, he knows, he lives, he whittles. For some reason I don't like being told these things about him nearly as much as the imagery of the last three:
He negotiates timid dips, a neighbourhood of moss –
he knows/negotiates them all,
jabs doggedly at the flowerbed’s edge,
tilts to the threat of a driveway kerb
until the rumble stutters, stops,
as if with a crumb stuck in its throat.
 
From the full-bellied bag,
in moist porridge of cuttings tumbles,
fruited pink with the cherry blossom
of flowers fallen, cut and stirred.
Three more pulls of the cord,
and he knows he’s caught it right.
 
This light machine has new life
– or he does, determined to end
on this last load before it sags.
When the job is done, silence,
a smell as if the earth itself
is grateful.

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Cutting Grass

Post by Dave » Sat May 14, 2022 1:59 pm

I like what Lindy is suggesting here. The beginning of the poem seems too over written and too important for the act being described, afterall the title is very prosaic. Simplicity benefits the overall feels IMO.

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Eric Ashford
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Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2022 4:35 pm

Re: Cutting Grass

Post by Eric Ashford » Sun May 15, 2022 11:09 am

Hi Dave,
got to agree with Trevor here.
I think the first three stanza's are the poem. You say nothing much after that.
Keep working on it.

TrevorConway
Posts: 210
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
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Re: Cutting Grass

Post by TrevorConway » Tue May 17, 2022 1:30 am

Hi Linda, Dave and Eric,

Thanks very much for yere views on this. Appreciate it.

Trev

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Mark
Posts: 586
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:19 am

Re: Cutting Grass

Post by Mark » Thu May 19, 2022 2:45 pm

Mundane is the word that comes to mind but only in a mundane way,

TrevorConway
Posts: 210
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
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Re: Cutting Grass

Post by TrevorConway » Fri May 20, 2022 8:30 am

Thanks for commenting, Mark. I'll see what I can do to improve it.

Trev 

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