The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Hi Eric,

I'm trying to guess your intention with this one--perhaps it was written, or should I say overwritten, to be egregiously, excessively, exaggeratedly extravagant. 

The result? Images such as those disembodied lips have my permission to smoke a cigar but not in my house. I have loved the sonics in so many of your poems that serve the purpose of accentuation, but this write seems to have been written only for the sake of alliteration/assonance to the point of missing relatable content/imagery.

Eric,

I find myself thinking along the same lines as Indar.  There's a clear love of words here, which is a fine enough end in its own right.  But if there's something hidden beneath them my more literal mind can't tease it out.  In this way it's not a typical 'Eric'.

Gyppo

Hi Eric,

I get the voice you're going for here, but I think you've laid it on too thickly. A fairly whimsical piece, in my opinion. Most of your work that I've read is more engaging than this. Sorry for the negative overall critique, but I find such feedback can help when deciding what poems to include or exclude from collections/submissions.

All the best,

Trev

Hey Eric
I think the comments already given hit the nail on the head. The poem almost seems a parody of itself. Skillfully down with obvious love of words but somehow not connecting with the reader.

Hi Indar,
yes you got that about got his right,
It was wrote to be extravert, excessive, and wordsy
but if it hits all those marks then that was my intent!
I had fun with it.

No problem Trevor, I expected some negativity with this.
As I said to Indar it's a rollick and a prankish romp
wordy and flamboyant in its excessiveness.
Sometime I just write to be extravagant.
Cheers

Hi Dave yeo you're right' I can see that it did not connect
It is a self-involved muse that tickled my poetic bones at the time, so
no regrets. Well maybe...