A Higher Place

[HLemma]

Save me from the ghettos of the faithless and devout.

Distance me from secrets I’m afraid of getting out.

Stop me short of justifying anarchy with grace.

Take me to a higher place.

 

Render me in pencil in your cosmic dossier.

Fashion me some armored shoes -- my feet are made of clay;

make me stealthy, though, in flight, and fleet when giving chase.

Take me to a higher place.

 

Dare me to regale an angel brooding in the park.

Drop me by an ocean to behold its earthly arc.

Watch me shrink in terror at the glory of your face.

Take me to a higher place.

 

Break me back to even on the bets I couldn’t hedge.

Repossess the birthright that, for lentil soup, I pledged.

Let me wield a plowshare and a dagger, just in case.

Take me to a higher place.

 

Free me from the burdens of extravagance and dearth.

Grant me equal measures of sobriety and mirth.

Bless the little coterie that occupies my space.

Take me to a higher place.

 

[indar]

I like this. My great aunt often said a night prayer with me:

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
if I should die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take

The simple cadence and repetition in your poem reminds me of this simple petition. But the language and concepts are very sophisticated and remind me more of some eastern philosophies re The Middle Way and moderation. I do see the Biblical references throughout and their modern-day applications. 

You broke a bunch of rules in this one to good effect e.g. the rhyme and repetition. Very nice.

[HLemma]

I like this. My great aunt often said a night prayer with me:

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
if I should die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take

I remember it. A potentially terrifying prayer for a young child, I think.

The simple cadence and repetition in your poem reminds me of this simple petition. But the language and concepts are very sophisticated and remind me more of some eastern philosophies re The Middle Way and moderation. I do see the Biblical references throughout and their modern-day applications.

I'm not into Buddhism. Most of the references have roots in Christian scripture. Maybe some of those ideas intersect with Buddhist Eightfold Path teachings? I don't know.

You broke a bunch of rules in this one to good effect e.g. the rhyme and repetition. Very nice.

I don't understand that statement. Which "rules" did I break? And why is it "very nice" that I did so? 

[indar]

Generally, rhyming couplets are frowned upon as "so yesterday" as is the rep at the end of each stanza. Often the language becomes forced in order to make it rhyme. What I intended to say is in this poem both devices are very effective in summoning up a type of prayer. The actual language, concepts and ease with which the writing flows are in contrast to such simplicity. 

Your poem is very nice

[Dave]

For me Indar's last comment sums up the poem well. It is very nice. It is well writing but let me cold. Its too unreal for my taste, which would hardly be your fault.

[Tracy Mitchell]

Hugh, 

Love the music, the bounce, the energy of this.  

Five verses of four line each, consisting of 13, 13, 13, and 7 syllable lines.    The poem is strongly reminiscent of The Battle Hymn of the Republic, as well as its predecessor/tunemate, John Brown’s Body.  I have little trouble singing these lines to that tune. 

Not only the cadence, but there are similarities in theme, voice, and diction as well.  And both have the anthem feel, with strong, declarative lines.

There are some real memorable phrases and lines – ploughshare and a dagger . . . Fashion me some armored shoes -- my feet are made of clay; and my favorite – Break me back to even on the bets I couldn’t hedge.    

S.1 L.2 – getting >> letting?   Question of whose secrets.
S.1 L.3 – justifying anarchy with grace >> substituting anarchy for grace.  Just asking

S.2 L.3 – fleet when giving chase >> boundless in the chase.  I know this would sacrifice the flight/fleet thing.

S.3 L.1 – park >> dark.  Again, just asking.

Not sure about the lentil soup, or the occupies my space, but these are small niggles.  

Well written, and a treat to read (sing).

Cheers.

T


 

[HLemma]

Generally, rhyming couplets are frowned upon as "so yesterday" as is the rep at the end of each stanza. Often the language becomes forced in order to make it rhyme. What I intended to say is in this poem both devices are very effective in summoning up a type of prayer. The actual language, concepts and ease with which the writing flows are in contrast to such simplicity. 

Your poem is very nice

Sorry, Indar, but that all sounds very elitist. 

[HLemma]

For me Indar's last comment sums up the poem well. It is very nice. It is well writing but let me cold. Its too unreal for my taste, which would hardly be your fault.

"Well writing"?

[HLemma]

Hugh, 

Love the music, the bounce, the energy of this.  

Five verses of four line each, consisting of 13, 13, 13, and 7 syllable lines.    The poem is strongly reminiscent of The Battle Hymn of the Republic, as well as its predecessor/tunemate, John Brown’s Body.  I have little trouble singing these lines to that tune. 

Not only the cadence, but there are similarities in theme, voice, and diction as well.  And both have the anthem feel, with strong, declarative lines.

There are some real memorable phrases and lines – ploughshare and a dagger . . . Fashion me some armored shoes -- my feet are made of clay; and my favorite – Break me back to even on the bets I couldn’t hedge.    

S.1 L.2 – getting >> letting?   Question of whose secrets.
S.1 L.3 – justifying anarchy with grace >> substituting anarchy for grace.  Just asking

S.2 L.3 – fleet when giving chase >> boundless in the chase.  I know this would sacrifice the flight/fleet thing.

S.3 L.1 – park >> dark.  Again, just asking.

Not sure about the lentil soup, or the occupies my space, but these are small niggles.  

Well written, and a treat to read (sing).

Cheers.

T

Hi Tracy. Thanks much for your thoughtful comments. I will think on them a while.

The lentil soup reference is, like many of the others in this poem, a take from the Christian bible..

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?s ... ersion=ESV

[Tracy Mitchell]

Thanks for the cue.  I was not aware of the lentils in that story.     I am now. 

I thought I got the Biblical references in the poem, but it comes clear not all of them.  Now I question what else I missed.  Obviously a lot. 

So with my new tidbit of knowledge, I ask if Esau is the Speaker of the poem?  He is of that line at least, metaphorically.  And at the least, the Speaker is positioned Esau-like, if not being Esau himself.  It is clear that I was mistaken in feeling that I had a handle on the substance of the poem.

T