Hug

[Matty11]

revision

Clay clung to her boots -'ta-ra' she heard, 'ta-ra',
the cheer of them all marching proud and then
the whistle blew. She heard their panting fear
running until beyond the trenches her boy:
twisted, wedded with wire, unblinking
across a conscripted land. She kissed
his puzzled jigsaw face and bedded
the mud with memories. Gunsmoke clouds
hurried away. She hugged her boy on rainy days.


original

Clay clung to her boots -'ta-ra' she heard, 'ta-ra'
and she saw them all marching proud and then
the whistle blew. She heard their panting fear
running until beyond the trenches her boy
anonymous, wedded with wire, unblinking
across a conscripted land. She kissed
his poppy-red stain of wounds and bedded
the mud with memories, gunsmoke clouds
hurried away. She hugged her boy on rainy days.



https://www.ikon-gallery.org/blog/2017/ ... -in-focus/

[Dave]

Phil
While I like the way the poem avoids some of the pitfalls of writing about WW!, namely it has been done to death already (excuse the pun), by channelling the story through what I guess is the mother, I still feel this needs some calrity. Where and when is the mother in realtion to the boy's experience. As written she seems to me to be there on the battle field with him. Somewhat unlikely. Otherwise she is picturing his experience and kissing him from afar. However, in that case she is a contemporary or near contemporary, which would add to the poem if that was clear. She could be visiting his grave at a cemetary but again, for me at least not clear in the details. 

I would also look at punctuation - maybe comma after trenches and no comma after anonymous would woek better. The line ending with 'then' is clear but awkward IMO.

There is more mileage to be gained from this I feel. The poppies and mud do provide vital information but are clichés and partly myth. 

 

[Matty11]

Thanks Dave. It is an ekphrastic write, a link Colm posted, though I wanted to see if it could survive by itself, but on reflection that was a mistake because WW1 poetry is so iconic (actually the poem is a rewrite of another effort on the subject). Strange, but true, that subject matter written in novels and prose, seems to lack authenticity when attempted in poems. I guess it is the focussed nature of the medium.

Will ponder some of your suggestions.

cheers

Phil

[Colm Roe]

I think you've strayed away from the image.
Forget about mud and trenches. Look at the abject misery and drama, and the immediacy of it.
How it happened is just an aside you could briefly allude to.

[Matty11]

Thanks Colm. Yes, although the reality is overwhelming loss, misery defines the artwork, inevitably I will write 'fictions' of a life affirming nature !

Phil

[indar]

I looked at that artist's work as well and saw the image you responded to in this write as yet another version of the "Pieta". It's for sure and certain that a mother greiving over the loss of a child will be heart-rending and especially a child lost as a form of sacrifice in war. I don't think any perspective on war can be explored too often.

I am certain I've posted this poem before--its by the woman i took a poetry class from 2 hours a week for 6 weeks. Not much but it got me started. Jude Nutter was born in England and lived for a while in Germany before moving to my home town of Minneapolis. This war poetry contest is, I believe, still run every year. 

Infidelity, For Those Held Captive for Decades in Darkness, The Map - Winning Writers

[Matty11]

I don't think any perspective on war can be explored too often.

True Linda. Being blinkered is inevitable, but perspectives make writing interesting. Thanks for the link. Will explore.

cheers

Phil