Here

[AlienFlower]

Here
 

Today in a corner of our deck

the storm walked out on

hail the size of sheep’s poo, 

chalky—new— 

or brown 

where the boards shone through.

Cat’s eyes between the two.

Don’t like things dying on me.

[Matty11]

So it is the cat that has died Jackie?

[AlienFlower]

Oh, oh. Is it that unclear? No, the cat's eyes are half-melted hailstones that keep their shape so look like marbles. But because they keep their shape they evoke the sad sight of jellyfish stranded on the beach.

[Matty11]

Probably me Jackie, I wasn't connecting to the experience.

best

Phil

[Tracy Mitchell]

Love this Jackie -- I took the cat's eyes to be those hailstones lodged in the spaces between the deck boards -- where the color of the deck doesn't appear -- where the light illuminates the hail stones.  The dying = melting, dropping through the spaces. 

Love the sounds unfolding -- poo/new/through/two -- and the unexpected and abrupt last line.  Nicely crafted.

T

[TrevorConway]

Hi Jackie,

This felt like a nice start to a poem, setting a snapshot scene. Then, it seemed to change course suddenly for the last line. What were you tryng to get across in the poem? Maybe teasing out the original intention you had would create a fuller poem. Nice images and language in most of what's there (apart from the sheep's poo ). Liked the phrasing of the storm walking out on the hailstones.

Trev

[AlienFlower]

Phil, you know clarity isn't my strength. I'm working on it.

Trev, I appreciate your idea for going further with it; definitely need a push these days. 

T, yes, I guess it's about the beauty/tragedy of this rare thing dying.

Thank you, everyone, your input helps.

Jackie

[Matty11]

Phil, you know clarity isn't my strength. I'm working on it.

I feel clarity is too aligned to simplicity. More a matter of how the reader can experience inside rather than outside the poem.

[Dave]

Hi Jackie
Interesting poem. I would suggest cutting 'Today' in L1 as an irrelevant detail and a rather typical start to a poem. I would also suggest making this present tense rather than past to increase the immedicacy.

Dave