On a train to Siena

[Colm Roe]

Littered with low hills,
on every one a villa or castle
tiaraed by cypress trees.
Sober vines cloaked them
in straight lines,
from a distance
a lace of sacred threads
unfurled, as they
dropped and draped
to a communion
with the ancient olives.

Siena, it's narrow streets
shaded by October,
cool, but its sienna bricks
created their own warmth.

We emerged for a three hour lunch
in the Piazza del Compo,
prosecco, aperpol spritz
a blazing sun
and the locals
held us there.

Graduating university students
wearing garlands
like Roman Emperors
entranced us.

We could have spent another day in Florence...

[Matty11]

Three hour lunch! Such indulgence Loved the Sienna bricks, the connecting with the locals, envy that warming sun and hills draped with vines. I suspect you're enjoying an excursion...

best

Phil

littered...a tad negative? Or do you mean the litter of villas and castles?

[Colm Roe]

littered...a tad negative? Or do you mean the litter of villas and castles?

The latter, to cover (a surface) with many things in an untidy way; although I'm not entirely happy with the word, it's
a bit too cliché/lazy.
Just back from a holiday in Florence. We took a train trip to Siena, both places are fab.
The town is spelt Siena, the colour is sienna. Both were used in S2, but I think I should have used a different
word for the colour.

[Matty11]

I do like the warmth of the colour.

History daubs low hills

Just a thought. At least it's not wind turbines!

Phil

[Mark]

Nice writing. Atmospheric. Don't know if I could handle three hours of soaking up vino under a blazing sun without consequences. Minor quibble on the trees - perhaps drop the capitalisation of cypress and either delete trees there or add trees after olives, for consistency.

[Colm Roe]

Thanks Mark.
The cap has been demoted.
I see what you mean about including 'trees' for the olives. But they shoot people here
for repeating words in a stanza. I could have said 'olive trees' and 'cypresses'; but that's a really
difficult word to pronounce after a three hour lunch.

[TrevorConway]

Hi Colm,

Nice atmosphere here, as others have said, and some nice ideas/writing too. I wonder if it'd be stronger without the second verse and the last line. The students/emperors would be a nice note to finish on, I think. 

While I do love a good noun-as-a-verb/adjective, I found "tiaraed" a stretch too far. Could anything else fit there, something less showy?

That's all I'd suggest. It works very nicely overall.

Trev

[Colm Roe]

I wonder if it'd be stronger without the second verse and the last line. The students/emperors would be a nice note to finish on, I think. 
While I do love a good noun-as-a-verb/adjective, I found "tiaraed" a stretch too far. Could anything else fit there, something less showy?

Thanks Trev, and Happy Christmas
The 2nd S gives (in my opinion) some specific info about Siena as you approach it at that time of the year. It also mirrors the N's growing engagement with the town. I agree, the last line could be removed.
Stretching a noun is something I do, more than occasionally. Someone gave me a licence to do it, said he was from the Department of Poetic Licence, he seemed genuine so I assumed I could work away
Anywho I'm glad you seemed to enjoy most of it

[indar]

Littered with low hills,
on every one a villa or castle
tiaraed by cypress trees.

perhaps:

Low hills undulate,
each one tiaraed
with a villa or castle
strung together by cypress trees???

Love the warmth in this one. Loved Florence.

[indar]

Oh wait! Italian cypress are tall and pointy---I was thinking of Florida cypress.