Nathaniel's Waves

[skylightgreg]

I walk about the perimeter of your poetry,
the dimensions much like
the Blue Ridge Mountains
of Appalachia in Autumn,
in all its splendor of vibrant colors.

I travel deeper
into the shades and hues,
calling out your name,
'Nathaniel,
Nathaniel.'

All of a sudden the sound becomes the oceanic sphere
of your mind. I feel myself swimming,
swimming towards the essence of you.

You arrive in waves of yellow light,
a shadowed yet luminescent cornfield,
each row as long and narrow
as the siq of Nabataean Ramqu.

On the other side of my row:
a warm effervescent presence
in threads of light emanating
from each kernel of an opened stalk.

I want to reach across the row
to touch your hand, to hold your arm,
to brush your face; but I realize the soft
radiance is a feeling from you; the essence
of your poetry.

What a powerful presence.
Yet I am certain I must know
more than the song of light
the soft glow,
and gentle wind
of your words.

[indar]

Wonderful. Falling in love with a poet with nothing to go on but the poetry--yep--done that.

[skylightgreg]

Thank-you.  I do think this works.  But I have worked on refining the first stanza, and I've made a few other small but significant changes.

[Dave]

Hey Greg
This is a mixed bag for me with lines I like a lot, such as the opening line, which is highly original and other lines which to me to be both telly and clichéd. I have little idea who Nathaniel is or was but am guessing someone biblical.
So, my thinking on this.
Great first lines followed by an awkward telly second line - "the dimensions much like" is very prosy and spoils for me the strong first image. Is it a necessary explanation?
Likewise, having set up the exact location the fourth line now provides the word splendour, which exactly the kind of word only found in poetry and "vibrant colours, which is clichè and telly. Rather than just telling us they are vibrant it would be great to be able to see them - how are they vibrant, some idea of which colours and so on. Autumn colours are vibrant pretty much anywhere including here in cold wet Hamburg Germany.

I like stanza 2

Stanza three again falls into telling somewhat awkwardly at that:

All of a sudden the sound becomes the oceanic sphere - which sound? Is it the voice? Another sound? Is there a way of getting directly from voice to oceanic sphere without the description in-between?

I would cut the next line to avoid repetition of you.

You use the word row 3 times in the next lines: is it so important it bears the repetition? Could you write
I want to reach across
touch your hand, hold your arm,
brush your face...? and catch the essence and lose the repetition?

I would also shorten the subsequent lines to get closer and more directly to tht essence:
 but the radience is your poetry - the modifiers tell too much and the phrase "is a feeling from you" lacks the elegance and radience of the moment - anyway is that not true of all poetry?

I would cut or modify the entire last stanza as it again tells us what by now we should already feel from the poem and robs the poem and the poet of their power. If you feel you need it, how about something like:
I know you by the glow of your words - a clear, clean and direct phrase.

All this as should always be is my impression,ideas and/or opinion to be taken or left as you see fit. I am sorry if you feel I meddle too much. There is a kernal of a good poem here


 

[skylightgreg]

Great feedback here.  Thank-you so much!

It's very helpful, the way you have framed everything around 'show don't tell'.

I'll see what I can do to revise this piece.  Thanks again!